Don't Give Up on your Marriage too Quickly
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Don't Give Up on your Marriage too Quickly 

מאת   21/11/2020 |  נצפה 993 פעמים

At times we may feel that we’ve said and done just about all we can to save our marriage. Divorce appears inevitable and we might already be thinking with anxiety and pain about the impending separation. How do we tell the kids? How will they be affected? How will we manage financially?

But before you throw in the towel, consider taking another look. Your marriage may not be dead. You and your spouse may just be the victims of a very common dynamic that works something like this…

In situations of marital unhappiness, one party is typically more dissatisfied than the other and has contemplated separation long before the other. As such, that party is further down the road in terms of emotional adjustment. The initiating party may have talked with family, friends and colleagues, who on the basis of the one-sided account are likely to reinforce their position. As time goes on and given the complaints of the initiating party, he or she finally confronts their spouse with the news and demands a divorce. With time, the spouse catches up emotionally, admits defeat and succumbs to the divorce process.

Perhaps this couple hasn’t been to marital therapy, or if they did, maybe it wasn’t with the right therapist. But like a train rolling downhill on its own momentum, the separation and divorce moves along.

Lawyers may be retained and the couple may become enmeshed in a nasty battle of blame and intimidation. If the couple has more sense and/or less money, they may seek mediation and consult with a professional regarding the ongoing care of the children. Again, the divorce process moves along.

Somewhere along the way though, couples would be advised to take a second or even a third look at the marriage. The question must be asked, “Is this marriage really irreparable?”

There can be many factors leading to divorce, none of which have to do with a bad marriage.

Parties can be thrown off-track by poor advice given by otherwise well-intentioned friends, family, colleagues and even therapists. Wrong notions can be reinforced. Sometimes just the embarrassment of returning to a relationship after having complained about it can cause some people to move ahead with a divorce.

If a marriage is unsatisfactory, it is essential that the parties consider and seek marital counseling - together. Address matters with your spouse forthrightly and seek a resolution, particularly before taking matters to family, friends, colleagues or lawyers.

Divorce doesn’t have to be the inevitable result of marital discord. Sharing life’s decisions and responsibilities is no easy feat, and most marriages will experience turmoil at times. The challenge that we face to accept, accommodate, adapt or change can result in tremendous closeness and an immense sense of satisfaction.

Before pronouncing your marriage dead, reconsider if this is the direction you truly want to take or whether the marriage deserves another chance at life. Check the pulse because momentum is hardly a good excuse for divorce.

 If you are the family, friend or colleague to whom people turn, consider only one piece of advice… tell your loved ones to see a marital therapist. Certainly think twice yourself before adding your weight to the momentum of someone else’s divorce.

Randy Tischler, MSW, MFT
Couple & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, Mediator
23 Rashi Street, Tel-Aviv
Tel: 054-810-3550

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