The Kids are Listening - Don't Ignore That 

All married couples disagree with one another over any number of issues. It’s natural, even healthy, to express divergent needs and perspectives. Ideally, both members of a couple will feel the legitimacy, and have the ability, to express their views. And yes, sometimes even in an emotional or passionate way.

The problem centers not on what the argument is about but rather on how it’s conducted. We are all stressed by the kids, by work, by the finances, the family, the neighbors, the news… It’s no wonder we all lose our cool, at times.

However, notwithstanding the normalcy of occasionally fighting with one’s spouse, it’s a myth to think that yelling and screaming, pushing or throwing objects between parents doesn’t affect the children.

Consider the child’s perspective. Children are entirely dependent upon their parents for safety and security. It’s no surprise that conflict between their parents leaves children feeling unprotected and insecure.

In addition, children are exposed to their parents’ stress and pain during the conflict, which may last for days. This results in stress and pain of their own. Furthermore, the kids may be subject to subtle parental pressures to align with one of their parents against the other.

But most importantly, our children’s sense of self is comprised of internalized aspects of both of their parents. When a child hears their parent relate to the other with contempt, disdain or disrespect, the injury is experienced directly within the child. Our children are so identified with us that their own fragile self-esteem is indelibly scarred by such attacks.

While parents may do their best to conceal the conflict, more often than not the kids witness it. They hear it from their rooms, from behind closed doors or at the foot or top of the stairs. They experience fear and helplessness, not knowing how to defend or protect their parents – or themselves. The experience then reverberates in their thoughts and dreams, resulting in spacing out or having difficulty concentrating at school.

If you are aware that the communication pattern between you and your spouse is disrespectful or destructive, don’t ignore it or expect that it will change on its own. Without assistance, such behavior will generally continue.  You’ll benefit from support and counseling, to develop an understanding of the patterns at home and your respective roles, and to learn more appropriate means for conflict resolution.