I’ve been thinking a lot about our childhood lately, and yes I know you don’t like how I keep digging into the past. But the past is a part of who I am, and I need to deal with it because it’s the only way I know how to heal myself- I need to face it.
There was one reoccurring incident which haunted me time, and time again throughout my life. I was roughly 5 and you were almost 8 years old. We were near father watching him while he was having his lunch. We were trying to get his attention which we both yearned for. He’d chew his food slowly while looking at us with his piercing eyes. Then he’d gently caress your hair while looking straight into my eyes and murmur cruelly, “Michelle is so beautiful and fair skinned, and look at you; such dark skin and so ugly… look at you… you’re like a cockroach.” He’d turn his face away with disgust and pull you closer to him, and then go on taunting me, saying,” Michelle is smart and you’re so stupid…”
And I just stood there heartbroken, with tears slowly streaking down my cheeks. I could sense the saltiness in my mouth. God, was I devastated! How could you not remember? It’s just amazing to me that you have no recollection of any of this. Do you really want to know how it made me feel? I felt horrible, ashamed, and inferior to you-his special child. I was simply not good enough – was unworthy of our father’s love, which I desperately needed and wanted. And you, you got it “Scott free.”
I know now the reason you were oblivious to my pain then and until recently. It’s because of your love, and the attempt to protect father. I can appreciate that, but while you were busy defending him you’ve completely forgotten about me, and I wasn’t receiving the sympathy I was longing for. I wish you’d recognize how crucial it was for me. Did you know that during nearly the entire course of my childhood, I always looked up to you and wanted to look just like you? You were my idol!
Later on in life when I told you about this incident among others, when I’d felt father was giving you preferred treatment, something in your behavior indicated to me that you were siding with him- and boy, that crushed me to crumbles.
I was just a little girl, so defenseless, so fragile; don’t you think I deserved some affection, and the acceptance that every child desires? It made me feel as though I was an outsider; and was not a part of our family.
I never understood how a parent could do that to their child. Do you have any idea how badly, and for how long this has affected me?
For years I’ve dyed my hair blonde, and wore colored contacts lenses in attempt to alter the color of my brown eyes, which made me feel so embarrassed. And you ask why? Sadly, it was all done to escape the image staring at me from the mirror. My own reflection whispering: “You can run, but you cannot hide.” Yes, that same image which our father created, and found to be so repulsive. That was my foundation and the basis of my own belief system; that I was ugly and stupid.
Over the years I've learned to accept myself the way I am. I’ve realized I must do something, and that only I could free myself from where my mind and thoughts were- I must break free from the prison I built for myself.
Only I can shift myself forward to a place where I’m at peace within myself, and where I am able to feel that the good inside was solely up to me. I began taking action. I’ve read numerous books, took part in various classes, workshops, and visited many different websites frequently as well. I also had therapy, which contributed much needed support for my self-confidence, and has enabled me to connect deeper to myself.
At first it was rough, only because it is so easy and almost natural for us to fall into the trap of feeling victimized, and sorry for ourselves. I had to convince myself and actually believe that I'm smart, and that it wasn’t what father had said about me. I looked in the mirror and began to establish a newfound relationship with myself. One which holds no judgment, and which offers acceptance and love to myself for who I am – my true self.
I've realized that if I don't propel myself forward no one will, and if I don't believe in myself there isn’t anybody out there that will give me “the time of day.” I focused on making myself better, healthier - an improved version of who I was.
I think it's something that we always have to strive for; always look for ways to make ourselves better, kinder and more loving human beings toward ourselves and others. It's an ongoing process, and it should be done with much love and patience.
I’m so thankful to God that I was able to release myself; even if it took over 30 years, but later is always better than never! All of that is gone now; except that occasionally quick flashes go through my mind – no doubt they’ve left their indelible mark, however, they no longer have an effect on me.
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